       In an effort to clarify questions about the purported
durability and unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we
subjected the Hostess snack logs to the following experiments:

EXPOSURE:

        A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for four days,
during which time an inch and a half of rain fell.  Many flies
were observed crawling across the Twinkie's surface, but
contrary to hypothesis, birds -- even pigeons -- avoided this
potential source of sustenance.  Despite the rain and prolonged
exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its original color and
form.  When removed, the Twinkie was found to be substantially
dehydrated.  Cracked open, it was observed to have taken on the
consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling, however,
retained its advertised "creaminess."

RADIATION:

       A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven,
which was set for precisely 4 minutes -- the approximate cooking
time of bacon.  After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the
Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter.
After 1 minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of
burning rubber.  The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes, 10
seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of
the oven.  A second Twinkie was subjected to the same
experiment.  This Twinkie leaked molten white filling.  When
cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its
plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon application of
a butter knife.

EXTREME FORCE:

       A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall
of approximately 120 feet.  It landed right side up, then
bounced onto its back.  The expected "splatter" effect was not
observed.  Indeed, the only discernible damage to the Twinkie
was a narrow fissure on its underside.  Otherwise, the Twinkie
remained structurally intact.

EXTREME COLD:

       A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24
hours.  Upon removal, the Twinkie was not found to be frozen
solid, but its physical properties had noticeably "slowed": the
filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic
paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering
to practically any surface.  It was noticed that the Twinkie had
generously absorbed freezer odors.

EXTREME HEAT:

       A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes.
While the Twinkie smoked and blackened and the filling in one of
its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did not catch fire.  It
did, however, produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed
during the irradiation experiment.

IMMERSION:

       A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap
water.  The Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink,
and viscous yellow tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly
consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring.  After 2
hours, the Twinkie had bloated substantially.  Its coloring was
now a very pale tan -- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like
water that surrounded it.  The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and
had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie was found
to have bloated to roughly 200 percent of its original size, the
water had turned opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of
filling had leaked from one of the "cream holes." Unfortunately,
efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were
abandoned when, under light pressure, the Twinkie disintegrated
into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was
noted.

SUMMARY OF RESULTS

       The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with
some of the unusual phenomena associated with the "creamy
filling" and artificial coloring, should give pause to those
observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as
"food."  Further clinical inquiry is required before any
definite conclusions can be drawn.
