C O M P U T E R G L O S S A R Y - A - ABORT - WHEN THE BUS IS FULL, THE CONDUCTOR SHOUTS, "ALL ABORT!" ABSOLUTE ADDRESS - WHERE SHE REALLY LIVES, NOT WHERE SHE TOLD YOU SHE LIVES. ABSOLUTE ERROR - TO BUY A COMPUTER. ACCESS - A LARGE PAINFUL BOIL ON THE CHIPS FROM TOO MUCH HACKING. A/C CONVERTER - A PHYSICIAN SPECIALIZING IN BI-DIRECTIONAL SURGERY. ACCURACY - SOMETHING IMPOSSIBLE FOR PROGRAMMERS TO ATTAIN. ADDER - THE PART OF A COW THAT COUNTS HOW MUCH MILK IS LEFT. ADDRESS - WHAT BINARY HACKERS WEAR WHEN NOT WEARING A SUIT. ALGOL - WHAT YOU SNEAK INTO THE PUNCH AT HACKER PARTIES TO LIVEN THEM UP. ALGORITHM - AN UNSTEADY GAIT AS THE RESULT OF TOO MUCH ALGOL. ALPHA - LAST NAME OF LITTLE RASCAL STAR, ALF. ANALOG - BANANA AND ICE CREAM TREAT; GOOD WITH JIMMIES. ALPHABETIC - A BLOOD CONDITION RESULTING FROM TOO MANY ACRONYMS. AMBIGUITY ERROR - WHEN SOMETHING IS DEFINITELY WRONG, OR MAYBE NOT. ANSI - A HACKER WHO CAN'T SIT STILL. ARITHMETICAL SHIFT - GOING FROM 1ST TO 4TH GEAR WITHOUT SKIPPING 2ND AND 3RD. ARPANET - THE GOVERNMENT COMPUTER NETWORK, I.E., THE FINE MESH WE'RE IN. ARRAY - SPONTANEOUS EXCLAMATION BY A HACKER WHEN SOMETHING WORKS FOR A CHANGE; RARELY USED. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE - ANYBODY WHO NEEDS A MACHINE TO TELL THEM WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE ALREADY KNOWS; E.G. A COMPUTERIST. ASCII - THE KEY TO (CENSORED). ATTENUATE - RESPONSE TO CANNIBAL WHO'S EATEN THE VERY BEST AND ASKS YOU TO RATE IT FOR HIM. AUTOMATIC CHECK - THE ONE YOU WRITE EVERY MONTH TO YOUR SOFTWARE SUPPLIER. AUTO-ANSWER - SIMILAR TO DIAL-A-PRAYER BUT INSTEAD OF A CLERGYMAN YOU GET MR. GOODWRENCH. AUTO-REPEAT - A KEY WHICH, WHEN HELD DOWN, WHEN HELD DOWN, WHEN HELD DOWN... AUXILIARY MEMORY - WHAT YOU GO TO WHEN SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE YOU WERE WORKING LATE AT THE OFFICE; E.G., "THE TRAIN WAS HIJACKED TO CUBA." - B - BACKWARD RECOVERY - REAGANOMICS. BADGE READER - CONVENTION GOER WHO GETS OFF ON READING, "HI, I'M ..." BADGES. BAGBITING - WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T UNWRAP YOUR SANDWICH. BANKS - QUIET, AIR-CONDITITONED PLACES WHERE YOUR SALARY IS AUTOMATICALLY TRANSFERED TO PERIPHERAL SALESMEN. BAR CODE SCANNER - A BOUNCER WHO CHECKS THE CROWD FOR JACKETS AND TIES. BARREL PRINTER - THE GUY WHO WRITES XXX ON WHISKEY KEGS. BASIC - SOMETHING SO "SIMPLE" YOU NEED A COMPUTER TO UNDERSTAND IT. BATCH - A MINOR GRIPE. BATCH PROCESSING - CLEANING UP A BATCH SO YOU CAN SAY IT IN MIXED COMPANY. BAUD RATE - FEE CHARGED BY LOOSE WOMEN; USUALLY $5.00 AND UP. BELL LABS - LARGE BLACK RETREIVERS THAT GO "DING-A-LING!" INSTEAD OF "BOW WOW!" BENCHMARK - PAINFUL CREASES PRESSED INTO CHIPS FROM SITTING FOR LONG PERIODS ON PARK BENCHES. BIAS - SAID OF SIAMESE TWINS, AS IN, "THEY'VE GOT A (CENSORED)" BI-DIRECTIONAL - A COMPUTERIST WHO SWINGS BOTH WAYS. BINARY - A LITTLE YELLOW BIRD THAT WAVES INSTEAD OF WHISTLES. BINARY FILE - A WHOLE ROW OF THEM. BI-POLAR - AN ESKIMO MARKETING SLOGAN. BIT - A ONE, BUT IT DOESN'T SAY ONE WHAT, OR NOTHING, SO WHY BOTHER NAMING IT? BLOCK MOVES - WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A HACKER RENTS A HOUSE ON THE STREET. BLOCK COPY - THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD. BPI - A GAMBLING TERM, AS IN, "YOU BET YOUR BPI." BUFFER - A NUDE HACKER. BUFFER AMPLIFIER - ONE WHO BRAGS ABOUT IT. BUFFER STORE - WHERE A BUFFER CAN'T BUY A THING TO WEAR. BUG - A SMALL GERMAN CAR FOUND IN AMERICAN AUTOMAKERS' COMPUTER PROGRAMS IN THE '60'S. BURST SPEED - THE VELOCITY AT WHICH HACKERS'S EGOS POP WHEN CONFRONTED BY A 12-YEAR-OLD MICROKID. BYTE - SHORT FOR "BUY IT." REFERS TO HOW MANY PERIPHERALS YOU'LL HAVE TO BUY TO SUPPORT A COMPUTER; E.G., THERE ARE 8 "BUY IT" 16 "BUY IT" AND 64 "BUY IT" COMPUTERS. - C - CALCULATING PUNCH - TO FIGURE OUT HOW MANY DRINKS A WORD PROCESSOR CAN HANDLE AT THE OFFICE PARTY BEFORE SHE GIVES YOU HER (KEY)((CENSORED)). CARD READER - A GYPSY PALMIST AND ADVISOR. CARRIAGE RETURN - WHAT YOU DO IF YOU DECIDE NOT TO KEEP THE KID. CHAIN PRINTER - SOMEONE WHO CAN'T GIVE UP PRINTING. CHIP - WHAT ONE SITS ON; COME IN PAIRS. COLD BOOT - WHAT A PROGRAMMER PUTS ON FEET IN WINTER. COLD SOLDER JOINT - MARIJUANA SO STRONG YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIGHT IT TO PUT LEAD IN YOUR PENCIL. COMPUTER ON A CHIP - A HACKER WHO SITS LEANING TO ONE SIDE. COMPUTER SCIENCE - THE FASTEST GROWING VOODOO ART COURSE IN AMERICAN COLLEGES AND UNIVERSITIES. CPS - REFERS LETTER READER TO POSTSCRIPT. CROCK - A TIMING DEVICE MADE IN JAPAN. CURSOR - A HACKER WHO BATCHES A LOT. - D - DAISY WHEEL - A GROUP OF UNIDIRECTIONAL BUFFERS SITTING IN A CIRCLE. DATA - A NICE-A ITALIAN GIRL. DATA BASE - WHERE SHE LIVES. DATA BUS - WHAT SHE DRIVES AT WORK. DECREMNT - THE C--- (CENSORED) YOU GET FROM COMPUTERS. DEDICATED KEY - ONE SHE GAVE ONLY TO YOU. DEDICATED WORD PROCESSOR - A SECRETARY WHO STAYS AFTER 5. DIFFERENCE ENGINE - THE FIRST THING LITTLE BOY HACKERS FORGET ABOUT LITTLE GIRL HACKERS. DIP - ABBREV. FOR HACKER. DIRTY POWER -RALLYING CRY OF MLITANT PIGS. DISK DRIVE - A POPULAR ADDRESS IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA. DOCUMENT - TO ASK YOUR PHYSICIAN FOR AN EXPLANATION OF WHAT HE INTENDED TO SAY. DOUBLE DENSITY - REALLY DUMB. DOWN - SAID OF COMPUTERS MADE OF FEATHERS! "THAT COMPUTER IS DOWN." DUMB TERMINAL - A HACKER INTERFACED WITH A SMART TERMINAL. DUMP - THE BEST PLACE FOR COMPUTERS. - E - EIGHT BIT CHIP - A ONE DOLLAR HOOKER. ELECTRONIC MAIL - POST OFFICE JARGON FOR ANYTHING DELIVERED IN LESS THAN A WEEK. ENBED - TO SPEND TIME WITH A WORD PROCESSOR AT HER PLACE. END USERS - HACKERS WHO SIT A LOT. ERGONOMICS - HOW RONNY SPELLS IT. EXPANSION SLOTS - THE EXTRA HOLES IN YOUR BELT. EXECUTION TIME - THE TIME IT TAKES TO STRANGLE THE SALESMAN WHO TALKED YOU INTO BUYING A COMPUTER. T - F - FATAL BUG - TO HAVE A VOLKSWAGEN DROP ON YOU. FEEDBACK - TO REPLAY WHAT YOU HAD FOR LUNCH. FLOATING DECIMAL - ONE WHICH BOBS UP UNEXPECTEDLY IN A SEA OF CONFUSION. FLOPPY DISK - SERIOUS CURVATURE OF THE SPINE. FORTUNE COOKIE PROGRAM - AN EVENING SPENT AT THE THEATER LISTENING TO IRREVELANT ONE-LINERS. FREQUENCY - DISEASE SUFFERED BY VIDEO GAME FREAKS. FRIENDLY - SAID OF ANYTHING ASSOCIATED WITH COMPUTERS THAT IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE OR DOES NOT WORK THE WAY IT SAYS IT WILL. - G - GAS PLASMA - RESIDUAL SOFTWARE STAIN. GIGABYTE - A PAINFUL STING ON THE GIGA. - H - HACKER - A MISANTHROPIC BORE. HARD SPACE - POPULAR SPOT BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE. HEAD CRASH - A COLLISION WITH A PORTA-POTTY. HEURISTIC - TO BEHAVE LIKE A HEUR. HEXADECIMAL - A 10-LETTER SHAKER CURSE. HIGH-LEVEL LANGUAGE - AN IDIOM SPOKEN BY HACKERS WEARING TIGHTS. HOLOGRAM - A SALUATION TO AN ELDERLY WOMAN. HORIZONTAL SCROLLING - THE MISSIONARY WAY. - I - INCREMENT - WHAT COMPUTERS EAT TO PRODUCE DECREMENT. INDUSTRY STANDARDS - NON-CONFORMING STANDARDS. INTEGRATED CIRCUIT - AN ELECTRIC BUS WITH RANDOMLY SEATED BLACK CHIPS. INTELLIGENT - A HYPOTHETICAL TERM IN COMPUTING. INTERLACE - TO TIE TWO BOOTS TOGETHER. INTERPRETER - THE PERSON YOU TAKE WITH YOU TO A COMPUTER STORE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE SALESMAN IS TALKING ABOUT; USUALLY A 12-YEAR-OLD KID. - J - JOYSTICK - A TRUNCHEON USED BY SADISTS. - K - KEYPAD - AN APARTMENT WITH A LOCK. KEYWORD - "YOUR PLACE OR MINE?" - L - LIGHT PEN - A MINIMUM SENTENCE PRISON. LINE FEED - "I'VE NEVER MET ANYONE AS INTERESTING AS YOU BEFORE," ETC. - M - MACHINE INDEPENDENT - THE GOAL OF ALL COMPUTER HATERS. MACHINE LANGUAGE - "ZOOM, PUTT-PUTT, CHUG-A-CHUG-A," ETC. MEMORY - THE PART OF A COMPUTER WHERE DATA IS PLACED PRIOR TO DESTRUCTION. MULTIPASS - TO TRY AGAIN AFTER SHE TURNS YOU DOWN THE FIRST TIME. MENU - AN ITEMIZED LIST OF WAYS TO MAKE A MISTAKE ON A COMPUTER. MICROMINIATURIZATION - "GET SMALL" IN COMPUTERIST'S LANGUAGE. MNEMONIC - SAID OF SOMEONE SUFFERING FROM MNEMONIA. MONITOR - THE FIRST IRON CLAD CRT. MULTI-PROCESSING - TO COOK STATISTICS MORE THEN ONCE. MULTI-PROGRAMMING - TO WATCH ALL THREE NETWORKS AT ONCE. MULTI-TASKING - WHEN ONE "TSK" WON'T DO; E.G. "TSK-TSK-TSK." - N - N - AFTER X, THE SECOND MOST POPULAR NUMBER THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. NANOSECOND - A WITNESS TO A DUEL BETWEEN GRANDFATHERS. NIGHT MODE - COMPUTING IN PAJAMAS. NETWORK - WHAT FISHERMEN DO WHEN NOT FISHING. NON-IMPACT PRINTER - ONE WHOSE SIGNS GO UNNOTICED. NYBBLE - WHAT AN UNSUSPECTING CUSTOMER DOES TO A LINE DANGLING BY A COMPUTER SALESMAN. - O - OVERSTRIKE - TO TEMPT FATE; E.G., AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS. OFFICE INFORMATION SYSTEM - THE WORD PROCESSOR WHO KNOWS THE MOST GOSSIP. OHM - WHERE THE 'EART IS. OPERATOR - A COMPUTER SALESMAN. ONE WHO SELLS TAPE IS A REEL OPERATOR. OUTPUT DEVICE - A WORD PROCESSOR WHO CAN'T SAY "NO!" - P - PAPERTAPE PUNCH - A MUSHY DRINK THAT STICKS TO THE ROOF OF YOUR MOUTH. PARABOLIC DISH - A WORD PROCESSOR WITH ALL THE CURVES IN THE RIGHT PLACES. PERIPHERAL - ANYTHING THAT COSTS A LOT OF MONEY THAT CAN BE REMOTELY ASSOCIATED WITH COMPUTERS. PHASE ENCODING - A MEMORY TRICK TO REMEMBER PEOPLE BY IF YOU CAN NEVER REMEMBER A NAME. PITCH - ADDING ALL THE CHARACTERS IN AN INCH OF TYPE WILL GIVE YOU THE SUM OF THE PITH. PLASMA DISPLAY - A BLOODY NOSE. PLOTTER - THE COMPUTER SALESMAN WHO SPOTS YOU BROWSING DURING YOUR LUNCH HOUR. POLARITY - SOLIDARITY. PROGRAM - A RANDOM ACCUMULATION OF BUGS. PROGRAM COUNTER - A PARENT WHO LIMITS HOW MUCH TV YOU WATCH. - Q - QUERY LANGUAGE - FLIPPANT REMARKS BY MONO-DIRECTIONALS. QWERTY - TO BE A LITTLE STRANGE. - R - RAM - WHERE MOST OF THE BUGS ARE KEPT. R&D - BOOKKEEPING ENTRY FOR "UNCONTROLLED EXPENSES." RAW DATA - A NICE-A ITALIAN BUFFER. ROM - WHERE YOU PUT ALL THE BUGS THAT WON'T FIT IN RAM. READ/WRITE HEAD - MEN'S ROOM WITH INVITATIONAL GRAFFITI WALL. REDUNDANCY - TWO COMPUTER EXPERTS WHEN NONE WILL DO. ROUTINE - A PROGRAM THAT NEVER WORKS THE SAME WAY TWICE. RUN - WHAT YOU SHOULD DO WHEN A HACKER APPROACHES. RUNNING HEAD - ONE WHICH NEEDS THE HANDLE JIGGLED. - S - SEARCH LANGUAGE - "SEEN ANY GOOD-LOOKING WORD PROCESSORS AROUND HERE?" ETC. SEMI-CONDUCTOR - ONE WHO ONLY TAKES TICKETS PART TIME. SHELF LIFE - THE STRANGE, FUZZY STUFF THAT GROWS BEHIND BOOKS AND UNDER BEDS. SILICON - A FOOLISH PRISONER. SKEW - INTERFACE BETWEEN CONSENTING COMPUTERS. SKEW FAILURE - PREMATURE CALCULATION. SMART TERMINAL - THE ONE THAT GETS YOU TO BUY IT. SOFTWARE - WHAT HACKERS WEAR UNDER THEIR HARDWARE. SOFTWARE HOUSE - FREDERICK'S OF HOLLYWOOD. SOLID STATE - ONE THAT OPERATES WITHOUT A DEFICIT. STACK - THE PART OF A WORD PROCESSOR WHERE THE CHIPS ARE. STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURES - THE WAY NOBODY DOES IT. SUB-ROUTINE - "DIVE! DIVE!" SUPERFICHE - MOBY DICK, JAWS, ETC. - T - TAPE COMPARATOR - A DEVICE USED TO MEASURE WHO HAS THE LONGEST TAPE. TAPE PUNCH - A NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK THAT COMES IN ROLLS AND STICKS TO YOUR FINGERS. TEACHING MACHINE - AN INSTRUCTOR WHO DOESN'T STOP LECTURING WHEN THE CLASS ENDS. TELEGRAPH - A PLOT OF TELES. TELEPACK - A BREWERY THAT DELIVERS. TERMINAL INTELLIGENCE - TO BE SO SMART IT KILLS YOU. TERMINAL TRANSPARENCY - A FATAL DISEASE WHERE THE SUFFERER SLOWLY DISAPPEARS. THIN FILM - A MOVIE WITH A PREDICTABLE PLOT. TIME SHARING - WHAT YOU DO WHEN ONLY ONE OF YOU HAS A WATCH. TRANSDUCER - A SEDUCER IN DRAG. TRANSPONDER - TO SERIOUSLY THINK ABOUT SOMETHING ON THE WAY TO THE COAST. - U - ULTRAFICHE - BIGGER, FASTER, AND HARDER TO LAND THAN SUPERFICHE. UMBRELLA INFORMATION PROVIDERS - WEATHER FORECASTERS. UNIX - AIR BEARINGS; I.E., NO BALLS. - V - VARIABLE - ANYTHING WITH A FIXED VALUE. VDT - HERPES SUFFERER'S COFFEE KLATSCH. VIRGIN MEDIUM - AN ORACLE WHO HAS TAKEN A VOW OF CHASTITY. - W - WEDGED - SAID OF A COMPUTER WITH SOFTWARE TIGHTLY JAMMED BETWEEN CHIPS. WORD PROCESSING - TO CHANGE THE MEANINGS OF WORDS; E.G., COMPUTERS ARE EASY TO UNDERSTAND, WHEN WORD PROCESSED MEANS, COMPUTERS ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND. WORK STATION - A DESK WITH A DUMB TERMINAL SITTING AT A COMPUTER. - Y - Y PUNCH - FRUIT JUICE SERVED IN THE STEAM ROOM. - Z - ZERO - THE SUM TOTAL OF EVERYTHING GOOD THAT CAN BE SAID ABOUT COMPUTERS AND COMPUTERISTS! COMPILED BY NICK, N7BCV, TACOMA, WASHINGTON